This afternoon was tough. Hence the name of this post. As I've been navigating my stay at home mom journey, I make it a point to not raise my voice or yell at my littles. Most of the time, I do a good job with this but to put it bluntly, today sucked.
Let me start with Attley. Oh this sweet girl. She is fierce in her emotions and she is constantly telling me how she feels (by screaming). Now that she is mobile and crawling all over our dirty floors, she is my shadow. Once she catches up to me, she then precedes to wind herself around my legs, in her (not so subtle) attempt to get me to pick her up because my left hip is her preferred hangout spot. If I ignore her cat like tendencies, she then starts to scream and boy does this girl have some strong vocal cords. This is usually the point where I give in and pick her up. Because to be honest I can't stand to listen to her scream and have those big blue eyes full of crocodile tears. And if I am even more honest, this little demanding monster I have created is my fault. She loves to be held and she especially loves to be held by me. But you know what you guys?? I couldn't hold her for the first 5 weeks of her life. She was tethered to cords and monitors. Constant beeping sounds, strangers coming in and out of her room, and everyone telling you what is best. The first few weeks, I had to get permission from nurses to hold my own little girl. So, yea, I am going to pick her up is she wants to be held. The tough part is managing her needs and my desire to get something done without my arm burning from her 18 pound little body.
This afternoon I was attempting to make some soft fries for Attley because we are having some feeding issues with her...I won’t get into it now but I am trying to darnedest to get this girl to eat a variety of foods. But while I was cooking, Attley had other ideas...she wanted to be held. It got to the point where I knew we needed to get out of the house and go for a walk. I set her down and she immediately started to scream. And I yelled back. I am not proud but ugh..I just needed 30 seconds to get the fries out of the oven so I wouldn’t burn the house down while we were gone. I yelled “Attley! Stop crying, you are fine!” and then I felt guilty. She doesn’t know better...I mean I kinda think she knows how to “play me” but she is 11 months so I should be more patient. Once I was got her coat and shoes on, I apologized, saying I was sorry for raising my voice but it gets hard to hold her all the time. Did she know what I was saying? Probably not, but it made me feel better to calmly voice my frustrations and explain why I can’t always do what she wants.
And now enter Emmett. This little has been testing my patience lately. He wants help with EVERYTHING. (Yes, this needed to be in shouty capitals) Things he knows how to do and can do independently, he is constantly asking for help. Since I was frazzled with things with Attley, I asked Emmett to get his jacket and shoes. He got his jacket and asked for help to put it on, which I did (the sleeves were inside out). Next up were the shoes. Emmett has crocs and knows how to put them on the correct feet but for some reason today he couldn’t do it. He started whining and putzing around the mudroom while I am holding a wiggly Attley. I just wanted to go outside and get some fresh air! My frustration was building and it boiled over. I told Emmett to find his other shoe, put it on, and come outside. I took Attley out and got the stroller set up and her situated. I went back in to check on Emmett and I caught him red handed playing with the foaming hand sanitizer that I use when we come home from germy places (aka everywhere) and I got mad and yelled. Again. Strike two for this momma.
I took a deep breath and got down to his level and explained that I am feeling frustrated. I continued to explain how we are going on a walk and to do that Emmett needed to put his shoes on. Together we found his other shoe and he put it on and off we went.
It literally took me our entire 30 minute walk to calm down and shake off the previous few hours. I was in such an icky head space. Negative emotion after negative emotion was churning through my brain. And then I remembered something Tony Robbins said in August. He said that you can’t feel gratitude for something and feel a negative emotion at the same time. So I started listing off 10 things about Emmett I was grateful for and 10 things for Attley. Slowly, I started to feel better. I started to lose the ickiness of the afternoon and see some of the beauty. I feel so blessed to be home and I tend to feel such guilt for having a bad day but I think that is there is beauty in the ugliness if we are willing and open to look for it.